I neglect those things in my life that I really shouldn't.

Oh well.

Oh, the life of me.

By the way, if anybody loves Kings of Leon, I heart you too. I absolutely love these guys at the moment.

So..

Two weeks of boredom, two weeks of not having the net (shock horror), two weeks of my friends going on holiday, two weeks of alcohol, two weeks of watching RD and CSI in stupidly insane amounts, two weeks of my family (which was okay), two weeks of thoughts, emotions and feelings catching up with me at lighting speed. The first week ended up with me cutting all contact with Ben and deleting every existence of him from my physical being (material objects, phones etc) even if my emotional being couldn't. Eventually, I saw him on Wednesday. We agreed that we spoke far better in person, and although he wanted more, I was distant and aloof. I couldn't have him thinking I wanted him in my life strongly. I couldn't have him owning the power to destroy me anymore than he has already. The night was actually okay in hindsight. He was very attentive and asking me how I was and explaining things; even if I felt some of it was covering the truth. I left Ipswich saddened, but better for talking on a civil level with him and not getting upset. In fact, I was very strong, cool and collected to the point that he said "I don't know what you think of me anymore, you seem not to care anymore" and me casually ignoring his sentiments. I can't escape the demons of the last year anymore than I stop thinking about the wonderful times I shared, but at least I proved that I was strong and wasn't about to crumble if he told me to fuck off.

I saw friends, I had a bladder infection numerous times (I'd love to work that one out), I lost more weight, I danced around to music like a lunatic, I did stupid amounts of walking, I drunk alcohol and acted like a tit, I spent too much money and I had fun. I caught up with people I'd not seen for a while, met new people and survived without the net for two weeks (pathetic, isn't it). I had weird dreams, I slept in too much, I abused my brothers Sky and my Mothers phone bill and I fantasized about Chris Barrie on the hour.

So, in theory; it was pretty cool. I'm looking forward to seeing Gary and although the house is a mess (never rely on a man) and the electricity was off when I got in (loosing about £20 worth of food in the process) things are back to normal.

But what is normal......!  

yes. yes i am.

there i was whinging about my pathetic, stupid hold on life and scaring the shit out of Gary by saying i didn't know what I wanted anymore purely because of ben's fuckwittage.

the next morning i wake up and there are flowers downstairs with a note saying "i want to spend the rest of this crappy excuse of life with you".

i hate me, i really do.

i cuddled him so hard and took every single scent from his body as i tried not to cry.

i don't deserve him.

i don't deserve ben.

i don't deserve anyone.

Quick thanks goes to l_i_z  for the fantastic icon there.

Yes, I am well and truly obsessed.

Meep.  
</span>

Ooh. And while I'm here and bored shiteless, I found this from jenoline:</span>

( 001. What is your name? Rebecca-Claire )


Also, a picture I was rather impressed with ;)

I'm shaking with rage and anger.

I've had a lovely weekend back at my parents, but I want to be at home.

I also want to find some device to wipe out previous memories that inhibit me and make me feel small.

Combine with this, I want to meet up with Ben so I can tell him to his face that he is a lousy, cowardly piece of shit that doesn't deserve to live on this planet. I couldn't give two shits whether he knows I'm hurting because it's moved on from that now. I'm just angry and want him to know that everything I say I mean. I called him a while ago to sort a day out when I can see him, and a week ago he said he wasn't free Friday as he was working - Now it appears he is going out in Norwich. Suss. Why bother lying? I said "You know, if that was just an excuse, you can tell me" and he just said "Think what you want". I told him I was fed up with being treated like shit and he said "Why let yourself then?" What the FUCK? I never asked for this. I never asked him to be a complete fuckwit and I DO NOT deserve it. He should burn in hell for being such a self-righteous bastard. I said I didn't want to invest my time in someone that couldn't give a damn in me and then he turned it round and said "I'm not a resource - Don't talk to me like that".

I told him to keep next Monday free but to be honest, although I want to kick two thousand shits out of him, I don't think he'd care anyway. Going there will only produce an agruement and I've got better things to do with my time. (kind of)

Does anyone want a baseball bat and to jump in my car and do some damage? Hell, I do.

I had such a great day...


( read more here )

You believed all that?     

I was evidently stupid to believe that he would reply to the e-mail. I rung him yesterday to see if he'd even picked it up, which he confessed he hadn't as he was in Derby visiting a girl he's known online for a while. All weekend. At her house. And apparantly, nothing happened. Hmmm. I know Ben. I know his reaction when he was pursuing Helen and pretended as if he wasn't. I also know he denies everything under the sun. I ended the call with him asking me why I was so bothered about him seeing Kerry in Derby and that he would read my e-mail. At the least, I expected him to say "You're right, we can't be friends, I'm sorry and we'll leave it at that" or "Fuck off, you bitch". Actually, I would have had anything over silence. I don't care where I stand anymore, I just want closure. I don't want to have to wonder anymore. I had a good cry after the phone call, for whatever reasons I couldn't quite fathom, and then I realised what other issues I had on my mind. Gary has recognised the fact I'm distant right now. I blamed it on the flu, I blame it on feeling fat, ugly and unconfident, but the more I think about it, the more I am beginning to understand that maybe these are just all excuses for the fact I'm not happy. I don't want to be hugged, kissed or have sex right now, and I can't begin to wonder why. I thought perhaps I felt like this because of Ben, but I don't. I don't want him to kiss me either. I miss him, and I miss our bond, but at the end of the day, he evidently doesn't and as much as it hurts, I can't do anything about that.

Gary suggested I go back to Norwich for a bit; I'd planned to anyway once he went to Iceland for two weeks, but I don't know whether going back will satisfy anything. It isn't going to make me suddenly realise being here is making me unhappy anymore so than being there will make me miss my old life. I just don't know.

I felt a sense of relief on Friday morning when I woke up and realised that the previous days events had taken presidence over anything else, and I hadn't been consumed with the irritation of Ben. I can't work out why, all of a sudden, I'm suddenly bothered by it - I went months when I first got with Gary not thinking about Ben and not harping back to memories. I suppose at the same time, the relationship I had with Ben at the time was good. Ironically, as it hit a year since we first met, he changed, which was when my feelings changed. If I can just swallow my pride and accept finally the closure I wish he would just give me (which, in hindsight, I figure I'll have to deal myself) then perhaps I'll start to feel better. But like Jen said to me, why should memories of Ben concern me now I'm with Gary? Again, something I don't know. Gary asked me whether I was happy and told me that he didn't want me to be here if I wasn't. He also said he barely slept last night worrying about what was going to happen, and it made me think maybe I'm just not cut out for a relationship. I get to this point where in spite of everything being fantastic, wonderful and me being in love, I hit a rut, either my confidence goes or I just harp back to memories. Why this didn't happen with Ben, and why I would have gladly carried on again is something I cannot figure out. In fact, I simply cannot figure out what happened last year at all, despite the attempts to.

I started a diet on Monday. I've come to a small conclusion that perhaps some of my distance from Gary is due to putting weight on and feeling miserable about the way I look. I felt good yesterday, I didn't eat a great deal and when I looked in the mirror I felt different. I worry about my state of mind over food and dieting in general, and although I could lie and say I hope I don't fall back into old habits like not eating etc, I know in reality somewhere along the line I'll get a complex. I'm just fed up of feeling as if people don't respect me or regard me highly because I'm not a size ten. Ridiculous I know, but it is a feeling I cannot shake off.

A website I came to view today sums up the worldwide feeling over Thursdays tragic events. It is comforting to know that in spite of differences in the past people are generally supportive of the way London and the UK are coping with what happened. I keep in touch with the news to find out the latest because I feel, in a backhanded way, it is my work towards feeling for those that perished and the families concerned, not to forgot those caught up in it.

Anyhow, I recognise this has been a rather self-pitying entry, so I leave with a meme nicked from kolaqube

( 01) My uncle once... )

It's quite hard to sum up just how horrified and sick I felt throughout yesterday. I still have a rather uneasy sensation today, probably not helped by the severity of the situation and the fact it was just too close to home.

I guess on the back of 9/11 in a way, some of us took it for granted that it wasn't London that was attacked, and things carried on as normal. I don't mean to say people were, or are ignorant of the fact London has, and is always a target for potential terrorist attacks, but at the same time the humble, tranquil life that I have led in the UK almost quashes any thought of such an event happening. I suppose it is a case of never believing it will happen to you, or anyone around you, and when it does suddenly that world you've idolised and enjoyed living in becomes that little bit more exposed and fragile.

I didn't wake until sometime after 11am anyhow, the flu is still present and after a rather confusing few days, I was tired. I can't quite remember where I heard it first, although I have an idea it was on a forum I am on before anything else, then I discovered Heather's e-mail and immediately switched on the news. I remembered that oppresive nauseating feeling that hampered the pit of my stomach from four years ago when the news reported about the Twin Towers going down, and I could almost feel the sirens, the screams and hysteria drowning my sense of reality. I immediately panicked - I have many friends both in London and commuting to and from, so I quickly sent round a group e-mail/text begging them to get in contact when they could. I think at this stage, I was more than aware of the mobile signals about to meltdown, and I kind of clung onto the hope that no news was good news for the time being. Fortunately, Sascha, who I KNEW would be travelling into London Liverpool Street at 8:30am (we'd discussed the fact this was ludicrously early among the fact she would be caught in rush hour) rung me to tell me she had overslept, hadn't caught a train until 9am and was halted at Colchester. Sascha was the one person I knew, had she arrived in London, would have found herself in the middle of it and with relief, I ended up sobbing on the phone.

I think what upset me so much was at the time, everybody wasn't quite sure what had happened. Some blamed it on power surges, some were saying it was a bomb, others were just so relieved not to have been killed in the explosion that they didn't care what it was. A strange sense of unity arrived on the boards, everybody was just trying to support everyone else - alot of the members are from London and we did a rolecall to check who was there and who wasn't, who lived in London and who was safe, although to be honest, I don't think anybody felt safe or glad. Being so close to London, commuting regularly and taking that very tube line that caused such damage and death, I felt relieved, but by no means safe. I heard reports from friends confirming Norwich was on security alert, as was Brighton and then mass panick erupted as reports came in that the six, no seven explosions were in fact bombs. I think by this point, everybody had come to expect the annoucement, but it was the type you kind of hoped would be just a rumour and everything would return back to normal. It wasn't ignorance, or denial; just a deep sense of hope and wishing that something we'd all been so petrified of for so many years wouldn't suddenly become a reality.

I had my friend Jenna on MSN crying as her dad was in London, I had my friends contacting me to see if I was okay, I had the television on, trying to catch any news of updates and staring blankly at every confirmation of death or destruction. The images I saw will live with me forever, in the same way they did on 9-11. But this, this was London. This was our capital. This is the place I love going to, the journeys I have on the tube I greet with praise for, in the grand scheme of things, an efficient and good service. This is the place where you can hope on at Liverpool Street and be outside an obscure restaurant in Soho for a journey lasting minutes. This is the city that welcomes ethnic groups, all races and religion. This is the city that had those dreams shattered.

I've realised I don't like coffee anymore.

When I was in Ipswich I went through this helpless stage of being completely addicted to it, and when I started work in Norwich I was the same before I was converted to green tea. I brought some lemon tea the other day and it tasted like puke, so upon the woe of using all my other stuff, I have a cup of coffee. Mingeth. What has happened to the girl that used to work in Costa and guzzled espressos?

On another note, I nicked this from kolaqube because I'm bored, and if I smoke anymore cigarettes I'm going to turn into a walking, talking stick of death. OK, so I look like one, but that isn't the point.

 

( Boredom. )

I was going to say "Cry....cry cry cry" but then I decided it sounded pitiful.

Right. Newflash.

Some of you were aware of the fact I wasn't exactly beaming about this new job, and after a pretty fucked up evening last night, I ended up pouring out things to Gary that I'd been keeping to myself; how I was only taking the job to satisfy him, how I already knew I'd hate it and how I wasn't comfortable about it. After explaining how I felt and why I was so upset, we agreed that it was okay to decline the job as I hadn't started and I could continue looking elsewhere, which was a relief.

I then begged for a McDonalds because Pete had one.

I did the immortal thing of contacting him after our lousy conversation the other day. Why, I don't know. I had already spoken to both Jas and Jen and Heather left some support in my comments and I didn't ignore it, just, well, forgot about it. I just picked up that phone, dialled the number and wam, that was it.

I shouldn't expect anything different from him, but he was a complete turd to me so I ended the phone call before crying. I think the above didn't help and the cold didn't either. I was so sick and tired of being treated like shit that before I fell asleep last night I decided in the morning, I'd do something I'd never done before - Write him an e-mail. I've done letters before but stopped myself from sending them (in hindsight probably good) but I spent a while on this e-mail, and sent it to Jenna to see what she thought. Eventually I decided that yes, I thought it conveyed what I needed to without being emotional and too cold or bitchy. It explained what I needed and felt I deserved and it ended with "If you don't get back, or want to give me some reason for the way you've been treating me, I'm not going to bother - I have plenty of friends, you were one of them, but if you choose to ignore this, I'll choose to ignore you" or words to that effect. Confrontation with him never works, so I didn't bother saying some of the harsh, home truths I've wanted to say for so long.

To be honest, if he does get back to me, I think I'll just put a stop to it anyway. The amount of times I've allowed him back in only for him to fuck it up again doesn't bear counting. Worrying though, because when he says he is sorry, he always seems so genuine. This shits me up because it makes me feel that anyone could be plying me with words, only to fuck me over. Then again, not everybody is as screwed up as him.

 

maybe I'm bored, maybe I'm insane.

Copied this from jenoline :

• childhood toy: lego, my little pony and the infamous barbie, which I never got.

( more here )

= me. yes, I am obsessed.

I've finally conceeded to the fact I actually am obsessed with Chris Barrie - kolaqube I have to thank for that. I've spent a great majority of my time on Mauve Alert perving over pictures of Chris half nekkid. Shame on me.

There has also been a rather amusing thread on Handbag, a forum I crawl onto in the late hours to have a giggle on. Jas, realising my poor, self-pitying ways after having the flu decided to open a Chris Barrie appreciate thread, and posted a healthy dose of pictures that cured my sniffles.
I don't know *shrugs* I'm mad, and I either have to embrace it or run away screaming.




( Why Chris Barrie? )

I'm going to miss rambling away online - It's all I've done for a month inbetween searching for jobs and cleaning up the house (which, in my current state, I'm doing nothing).

Tomorrow I start my new job and to be honest, I'm not feeling very positive. I'm not sure why, and believe me, I've analysed it to death. Maybe it is the failure of previous jobs, maybe it is the fact I thought the manager was a complete knobend when I first met him. Who knows. It's good money and in a sector that I'm familiar with, so I shouldn't complain.

Maybe I'm just having doubts about things at the moment because a) I'm ill and b) hormonal. The whole Ben thing at the weekend didn't help and only stirred up a whole big can of whoop ass that I'd been trying to put to bed for weeks. I know I shouldn't care and that I should focus on moving forward but the thing is I have already and being in Colchester and with Gary is detrimental to that fact. I just hate the way he oscilates from being friendly one minute to being a complete fuckwit in equal measures. I've started to believe I like the upper hand and whenever he gets all cushty with me over our memories, I like to be able to convey that I don't give a damn. Childish, but at the end of the day, he deserves a taste of his own medicine sometimes.

I rung him yesterday after putting it off all weekend and not hearing anything from his texts, and he just said "What am I meant to say?" His excuse for EVERYTHING is that one phrase, something I just perceive as cowardly. Whether he knows he has done wrong, or whether he cares is kind of irrelevent, I think his notion of power in this circumstance is what thrills him. I can't understand for the life of me why he does these things - If he doesn't want to be my friend, or doesn't want me in his life, he only has to say. I can deal with that. What I can't fathom is why one minute he is so glad to see me, and a month later he couldn't give two shits. I didn't get an apology out of him for not contacting me and when I made the stupid, backhanded comment that he was otherwise engaged he said "Well I had an offer of sex, but turned it down".

For fucks sake! He is only too aware that would piss the hell out of me and when I asked who it was, he said "It doesn't matter" and deflected any comment I made towards it. I just can't see why I continue to bother with him - It's pointless but for some reason, I can't let it drop. *shrugs* 
jenoline

You know, the ironic thing is, I thought somewhere, somehow, he might actually be thinking of me today.

All those wanky promises he gave me about still loving me and missing me.

OK, so I'm happy with Gary. I really am. But just the knowledge that today, of all days; the day that changed my life for the better, and for the worse, he is thinking of me and wondering what if.

I sent him a text last night saying I missed seeing him and hoped he was thinking about me. Crap, I know. Shit, even worse than crap. Pathetic. I don't know. Sometimes I think you don't ever quite let go of a love you lost in such a fashion as I did with him.

I keep checking my phone and thinking, surely, today of all days (and a day he has spoken about before) he would at least say SOMETHING.

No. Arsehole.

NB - I have the flu. Again.

.....it was a year ago today that I first met him.

Him. The guy that broke my heart and shat on it continously until I no longer felt I even existed. Him, the first guy I felt I properly loved and could spend the rest of my life with. Him, him him. The guy that occupies my regret and past memories with such vehemence at times I feel overwhelmed until I can't help but cry.

I wonder what he is thinking.

I wonder if he cares.

In equal measures of somewhere, deep inside, loving him, I also hate him. I did the stupid thing of ringing him to say hello, and he passed it off, made me feel small and eventually, instead of dragging out what would imminently turn into some kind of disagreement, I decided to terminate the call. I hope he's happy. Fuckwit.

Gary is going to get so many cuddles tonight. He deserves my entire love and affection and he is the person I want to spend my life with, no matter how scary it is. I'm not going to put on hold the rest of my life for certain aspects, like I have done in the past. We broke up for a reason, and no matter how much coaxing my idoitic mind sometimes suggests, or how many times he says he misses me, I'm not going to resent us breaking up and I'm not going to wish I could go back a year ago.

Another past memory that hurts - my dad. He was 50 on Wednesday and I rung him. Against all my better principles I decided I could no longer act like the 17 year old I was when he left and decided if he wasn't going to contact me, I would get in touch with him. He might have been flawed in places, and I know my relatives don't like the fact I have some lifeline for him, but he is my dad and no one can take that away from me; not even him.

In other news: I have my annual summer cold. Which is not good, considering I start a new job on Wednesday. Yes folks, I have a job. A well paid, progression company too. Which means with Gary's new increased salary (which is stupidly high, the bugger), and my OTE's, we are looking to be taking in around £70k per annum. Bring it on.

Oh, and we never did get that Heinz LP. *sob*

well well well.

i don't know why i converted. boredom? regularity? who knows.

i still haven't figured the fine lines of this. i'm going to leave it as it is and hope that it isn't too pitiful compared to the others. funny that, i know how to do html, but this just baffles me. maybe i'll get gary on the case.

hooodiddddlydum.

god i'm a 60's freak.

 

( just like eddie )

oooh errr.

i don't understand this for one second. help.

 

( love )

wow.

diaryland would really kick my arse if they found me here.

and....?

so yes, welcome to live journal. wooooh!